Serenity NOW.

I keep that as my half-joking mantra these days!  Sometimes it helps, lol.  Things have been going okay here but still kind of crazy.  Ingrid has been a little better about school because we've been drawing smiley faces on our hands and she can look down and see it during the day.  Today we forgot and she kind of lost it at the door of school and cried.  Which is when I scream SERENITY NOW!

Otis is loving school and has no issues with it.  I only have to yell serenity now with him when he is throwing his massive tantrums, which could be about anything.  Seriously, this morning it was about waffles.  First he wanted waffles, but when he got them out of the freezer he freaked out that they had a bite taken out of them.  Um, no they don't.  Cue the screaming.  He was convinced they had a bite taken out of them!  I opened a new box and he was mad I opened them.  I asked him to take out the ones he wanted, he said no.  I went to get them myself and he screamed he wanted to.  I handed him the box and he just threw it on the floor.  SERENITY NOW! 

But life is good.  I have Gallery Night on Friday, we have a sitter, so we'll get to hang out in a bar and I'll sell baby goods while drinking beer.  God bless Milwaukee!!  I'm busy getting ready for the holiday season, I have two shows coming up.  Urban Garage Sale is in November, Hover Craft is in December.  So exciting!

Another Week.

Ingrid made it through Monday.  She asked over and over again "Are you SURE I can make it through today?"  She did, sort of.  Got a call from the teacher that she was throwing up.  Ugh.  Poor kid was completely comatose from about 2pm until yesterday at 4pm.  Just slept, took a sip of water, slept some more.  It is so hard to see your usually jumping around kid just laying there.  It was also pretty easy, which part of me was glad of, isn't that horrible??  I just played with Otis and we took a nap and went about our day like we normally do. 

She's better today so I sent her for a half day.  She was so worried that her teacher wouldn't let her come home!  I wrote a note and said just give it to your teacher, I'm your mom, I can take you whenever I want!  That didn't seem to matter to Ingrid at all, she was still scared her teacher would make her stay the whole day.  Poor kid, that mind of hers just won't stop!

But it's another week going by, and hopefully each day will get easier.  Hopefully.

The End of the Week.

Ingrid made it through the week!  Today she ran into school holding hands with her friend Tessa and she came out of the building with a smile on her face wondering what I'd brought her for a snack.  She didn't cry last night at all, no tears this morning, she just kept asking me "Are you sure I can make it through school today?" Yep, you got this, kid!

I did end up picking her up from school all but one day this week, it seems to have been very helpful.  Which sucks.  I really was looking forward to her taking the bus...I know it sounds selfish but my school runs are insane, and will be until both kids are in full days.  7:30am drop off Ingrid.  8:45am drop off Otis.  11:45am pick up Otis.  2:30pm pick up Ingrid.  Car car car car car car car.  Blah. 

I know, I know, it's better than her crying every day.  But dang, I know this is going to sound like a walking uphill in the snow barefoot both ways story, but I was walking a half mile to my busstop every day when I was her age. And then I had a 20minute ride to get to school.  She has a five second bus ride and gets dropped off three blocks away.  But I will do it.  FOR HER.  Because I'm such a GREAT MOM.  And I will complain the whole year, probably, too, ha!

Now we just have to see how she does Monday morning.  Cross your fingers.

A Lot of Tears

It's been a week of school so far and Ingrid is not liking it.  She started with five half days at 3 years old, which she loved.  She would run right to the door, wave good bye and never ever cried.  Ever.  Same thing last year, she'd find a friend on the playground and run to the door when the bell rang, with barely a glance in my direction.  This year, it's been nothing but tears. 

K5 is all day.  She eats lunch and then they have an afternoon session and are let out at 2:30.  This shouldn't be a big deal, I feel like, because when coming home at lunch time, she always seemed bored in the afternoon.  She doesn't nap, she barely rests, she would always be doing something while I laid down with Otis.  So why not do this at school?  Where you get to have fun and do art and gym?  I don't know, something about it rubs her the wrong way.

So we have tears. 

Ingrid is also riding the bus home most days, as Otis is napping and I don't want to wake him up and drag him to school.  The first day she was SO EXCITED about it.  Then it became a little scary, and now it's full blown anxiety about riding the bus home, wake Otis up, come get me, I'm scared, I don't know anyone on the bus, I'll get lost, it's too hard.  No matter how I tried to spin it, she wasn't having it.  Ugh.

Yesterday from the time she got off the bus to the time she went to bed, she cried.  She worried about school, staying all day, missing me, taking the bus home.  Every time she'd calm down, suddenly she'd think of something else to worry about.  It breaks my heart.  I don't know how to help her!  I feel so helpless, I just tried to tell her she's strong, she can do this, it will get easier.  I tried to have her imagine happy things and focus on the good things about school, like her friends and getting chocolate milk for lunch.  I got another mom to bring her home instead of taking the bus.  Nothing seems to make her feel better.  So then I get sick of hearing the same thing over and over and I lose my patience like a bitchy mom and just say forget about it!  You don't have a choice, you are GOING to school!  And then she cries harder. 

Why on earth is she so upset this year??  When she is home, she's sassy and bored and complaining about everything, so I don't really know why she wants to stay home.  It's not like she's having any fun here...I end up yelling at her all the time.  Blah!  I wish I could say never mind, we'll homeschool, like I did when she was 3, but I don't want to have her home.  She's in a great school that has a huge wait list, we are so lucky to be at this school!  And I don't want to be a teacher.  I don't want to homeschool.  I don't even want to unschool, this summer SUCKED, she was so crazy and I felt like physically and emotionally drained at the end of each day. 

Send us some good vibes that school will cease to be a thing she stresses about!  I'm not sure how much more I can take. 

Turning Off the TV

I always wanted to be one of those moms that never turned on the TV, but early on I realized I could get shit done with a half hour here or there!  Sometimes we watch a lot, some days we don't even think about turning it on.  Some days we just get lazy and tired and only want to lay on the couch and veg.  Usually I don't pay attention, they all seem to balance out and we never have problems with turning it off and switching to something else.  Once the credits come on, one of the kids pops up and turns off the TV. 

However...this week has been rainy and Otis got hand foot and mouth disease so we were quarantined at our house so we wouldn't infect anyone else.  I have a show coming up July 7 and I've been trying to finish up the last few things I have to get ready.  The house seems like it's constantly sticky and hairy from the humidity and the dog, laundry piles up.  Excuses, I know.  But the TV was on a lot the past few days.  And there was tons of whining and fighting between the kids about who gets to watch what show, and then kicking each other on the couch or stealing pillows.  it was INSANE.  Get off each other and just sit there while I get the bathroom cleaned!  Please!

Two days ago I don't know what started it, but I did not turn on the TV.  Instead we did a puzzle together.  We read library books.  We colored.  We played outside a bit between bouts of rain.  I had the best time!  I was happy, not yelling, the kids were so good together, not whining or fighting.  The day was just so awesome, I finally remembered how great it is to be a stay at home mom.  Some days I forget why the hell I do this, like how great it would be to get a job and let the kids go to school and a babysitters and just be around adults all day.  Go to the bathroom by myself, eat a whole meal, shower DAILY! 

Yesterday we ran errands all morning.  Kids slept in the car a bit so when we got home I was exhausted and wanted to sit.  I put on the TV and immediately (immediately, ugh.) they started fighting over what show to watch.  Ingrid just lost it because I let Otis get his way for once.  Huge tears, stomping feet, kicking things.  It was the shittiest afternoon, I just could not turn it around.

So today I said no more TV in the day!  We've got so many fun things to do around here, let's play!  Ingrid has been working on these little stuffed hearts she's been sewing from my scraps and she wanted to work on those.  We painted.  More puzzles, more time outside before the rain came.  Another wonderful morning!  Just so much fun and everyone was in great moods.  The afternoon was naptime and more playing, this time with neighbors outside when it cleared up.  Everyone was in good moods until bedtime, I mean for real, that never happens! 

I know it just takes more effort on my part, and honestly, I don't get much done during the day.  I did get some things done but not nearly as much as if I'd ignored my children, haha!  I guess that I just have to do what I can, and do the rest after bedtime.  I'd much rather have happy kids than 30 more bibs done, right?  They'll both be in school next fall so I should enjoy this summer as much as I can!

Nostalgia

We found a DVD of old videos of Ingrid today.  She was so small and such a little smartypants!  It made me realize how much I miss hanging out with her.  I love Otis to pieces, but I forgot how nice it was to have one on one time with Ingrid.  She is so emotional and sassy lately, I forget how sweet she used to be!

Anyway, got me thinking of babies and them growing up and how on the one hand I'm glad to be done with bottles and sleepless nights, and on the other hand that means no more squishy 6mo olds with their two little teeth and big chubby cheeks smiling at you.  So I will just look back at pictures instead, that's more economical than having another one, right?

Happy

Life is so good around here, I just feel so lucky to be where we are right now.  For years it seems like Brendan and I were in limbo, never knowing what the years ahead would bring us.  Not that we know now, but we have a better idea.  He has a job he loves, we are in Milwaukee for the long haul, we have our two munchkins that make us happy (even when they wake us up at 5am, li'l bastards!) 

We went to the bank yesterday to see about home loans.  It went so well, we have good credit and can most likely get a loan with an affordable down payment.  That was scaring me, we heard all these horror stories of needing 20% down and that is just not feasible for us right now!  But luckily we found out we are sitting pretty and once we get a couple more thousand saved up we'll be golden.  There is a huge possibility we can be in our own home this summer like we wanted!!!  I am so geeked.

Both etsy shops are going well.  At first I thought maybe it would get overwhelming but I think I've found a good balance.  Toadstool Vintage goes pretty easily--we go thrifting and then wash and iron all the clothes.  Take pictures of the items, then edit, then list as I get time.  A couple things here and there, until our laundry basket of vintage goodies is listed and hung up.  Then we go thrifting again!

Applesauce Crafts is also doing well.  I have a sale going on if anyone needs a baby shower gift!  Use code NEWFABRIC20 to get 20% off all items in the shop (including sale items!)  I have a stack of new fabric that is sitting there waiting to get sewn up into fun stuff, I need to empty the shop to make way for new things!  I applied for a craft show in May, it's at the botanical gardens and seems like a pretty fun one.  I'm hoping to get into it so I can get another show under my belt!

I know I say it all the time, but it is so amazing how far we've come in the past year!!  Otis was so tiny and we were moving to another state, into a duplex we'd only seen four pictures of online.  Brendan was starting a new job.  And now here we are, Otis is walking and we're house hunting and thinking about schools and where we'll be in ten years, and actually kind of knowing we'll still be here.  Sigh...I'm so happy!

Homeschooling After All

Ingrid is home right now, playing with fabric and her stuffed animals.  We just did puzzles together and read in bed while Otis is napping.  She's not sick, it's not a day off.  We just didn't send her back to school after the holiday break.  I couldn't be happier.

The past month or so has been very trying.  Lots of temper tantrums and crying, lots and lots of yelling on all of our parts.  I felt a real disconnect and was just not happy.  I didn't understand why my daughter was acting out, why our house felt so stressful, why my life felt like nothing was getting done. 

And then we had the holiday break, and after our travels to MI and the kids getting over sickness (more or less) things calmed down.  We had our nice slow mornings of coffee, breakfast, playing, reading, games, and happiness.  Otis' naptime was time for Ingrid and I to spend together, or for her to have rest time and me to get things done.  There was peace in the house, there were so few temper tantrums I've almost forgotten how horrible they were.  Tears are still there sometimes, but only when it's time to eat or rest. 

So when school started back up again, we just decided not to send her back.  Instead, we painted.

And then threw the kids in the bath with some shaving cream to "paint" with.

And did more puzzles.

And went to story time, which Otis LOVED!  He thought singing songs and clapping hands was pretty okay. 

We'll try again in the fall, but if it gets back to being that stressful, forget it.  I used to wonder if I could be a homeschooler, if I had the patience, or could follow through with it, but now I know I can do it if it's what's right for us.

Four Months!

Man, the second kid sure does get forgotten sometimes.  Otis turned four months old FOUR DAYS ago and I'm just getting around to posting it??  Bad mommy.  I posted Ingrid's on the day...

Otis is doing well, he started to giggle and loves to smile and coo.  He loves his sister, and it's super sweet to see her interact with him.  The other morning he was in our bed sleeping and I hear her go in and jump on the bed.  "Hi, little peanut butter!  Are you waking up now?"  It's funny because whatever I say to him she says too.  So he's the Bub, Peanut Butter, Punkin Pie, etc.  Which all sounds cuter coming from an almost three year old's mouth.

We put him in the Moby facing forward yesterday.  He loved it!  It doesn't look like it here, but really, he dug it. Such a big boy.

Last night we had a major MAJOR meltdown from Ingrid.  Usually I do all the bedtime routines but I have had it!  I just want to be able to relax for ten minutes after a long day, not deal with both kids and their bedtimes.  So...it was Daddy's turn last night.  This did not settle well with Ingrid.  She was sassy!  Telling Brendan no indeed he was NOT going to put her to bed, not listening, running away from him.  So finally after a half hour of this bullshit I went in and said okay, enough, no books, good night.  Oh my god, she lost it!  We've only done that one other time and it was the same thing--screaming and crying so hard she was hyperventilating, it went on forever, she couldn't calm down.  Tough night.  I finally went in and rubbed her back until she calmed down and she passed out in seconds. 

Meanwhile...what was Otis doing?

Snoozing away like World War III wasn't going on in the other room.  Good boy.

Olivia Slippers

Our Olivia slippers came in the mail today and it just made Ingrid's day!  We have had slippers from this lady in the past and I just loved them.  I didn't think she made any bigger sizes but while scouring the etsy pages for Christmas gift ideas, I came across these slippers with Olivia on them.  And Ingrid hates socks, needs slippers, and loves Olivia, so the stars aligned and we got them!

I caught her playing with Plex and Foofa today on her bed, it was pretty cute.  She was feeding them breakfast and kept telling Plex not to sit in his eggs.  It's always interesting to hear her playing by herself because she has these full conversations with her stuffed animals.

Luckily she and I are both in a good mood today.  Brendan got back last night and it was like we both just let out a huge sigh of relief!  I think we need that Daddy buffer in our lives.  Our personalities are just too similar!  I had to call my mom to apologize for when I was younger because Ingrid was arguing with me over everything!!  I totally remember learning the word "argue" early on in my life because I did the same thing.  Ha!  It's payback time apparently...

Ahhhhh, a Break.

I'm sick.  I can't breathe, therefore I can't sleep.  When I try to nap, Ingrid jumps on me and suddenly wants to "cuddle" (really she just wants to jump on the couch around me.)  I was at my wit's end, so I did what anyone would do--I called my mommy.  She agreed to take Ingrid for the weekend, so we met halfway and made the switcheroo.

I love this.  Ingrid was SO excited to go to Gramma's, Gramma is happy to have a bundle of energy around for a couple days, and I get to sleep.  And get things done.  And go out to eat with my husband.  And watch a movie.  Ahhh, bliss.

I got SO MUCH accomplished today without Ingrid around!  I made a burp cloth set, three bibs, a felt garland, took pictures of them all, and listed them all on etsy!  That would normally be one week's worth of work for me because I'd have to fit in sewing something here, snapping a picture there, and getting time on the computer whenever I could.  But today I just sat and did it.  It felt amazing!

I love my kid but boy do I love the break, too!!

Fitting Picture

I took this with the timer on my camera this morning and it just makes me laugh.  Ingrid is usually nothing more than a blur in our lives!!  I'm almost 23 weeks and there's definitely a baby in there!  He's been rolling and kicking a lot and I always smile and say "Hi, Otis!" when it first starts.  Then I tell him to quit jumping on my bladder and I go pee again for the fourth time in an hour...

A Much Needed Break

Brendan and I had a wedding to go to in WI last weekend.  My mom came to get Ingrid and take her back to the horse farm, and we took off in a snazzy rental car for a 7 hour drive.  We got to lay around in a hotel, take multiple naps, and hang out with friends!  We cleaned up pretty nicely for the wedding:

The next day we lounged, ate, napped, slept, rested, didn't play with blocks or crayons, and napped some more.  We visited Brendan's parents and just relaxed.  Did I mention I didn't play once with a wooden block all weekend long?  And I didn't load or unload a dishwasher.  It was heaven.

We got home Sunday afternoon and my mom still had Ingrid.  It was so strange to not have anything to do!  I'd slept so much, I didn't feel like I should lay down again (although I did, ha!) I did some puzzles in a book, watched some TV, and felt bored.  What did we used to do without Ingrid?  Sure she makes me frazzled, but she's also so damn entertaining, it was so wierd to not have her around!

My mom called this morning and said Ingrid had been asking for me, so we each drove half way and met in the middle of nowhere for lunch and to switch.  I was excited to see my dearie, and she was pretty huggy with her ol' mom.  Considering we were at each other's throats before the weekend, I'd say we both got the break we needed.  When we got home it was raining and we played outside with the umbrella.  She kept saying she was looking for "paper leaves" which I figured out much later meant leaves to press between wax paper.  We played blocks and colored and made bread and it was great to get back to our lives again...

Back to "Normal"

From how things were going at the beginning of the week to how they are now, it's like a whole different family lives here!  I haven't been on my prozac for a month or so and it's been so hellish.  I have been on this medication for years and thought, after forgetting to take it for a week or so, why not see what it's like off it?  Oh my god, not good!!  I am such a bitch without my meds, I yell and get crabby and, therefore, Ingrid is in a bad mood and upset and Brendan gets that way as soon as he comes home to a houseful of stress.  Aaaahhh!  The other day I finally broke down and wanted out of my life.  I just wanted to not be a mom, and certainly not a mom of two.  I wanted to be able to SLEEP and take a break and watch non cartoons on TV.  I started to cry and then suddenly it hit me--honey, your depression is coming back with a vengence.  Take your stupid pills!

Two days later and here we are, happy as can be.  Ingrid and I had a lovely day today.  We went to Trader Joe's and they have these little kid sized shopping carts that Ingrid just loves.  We did a lot of block tower building and coloring and reading books.  We played outside after lunch in the amazing cool windy weather.  Ingrid's obsessed with the rocks in our driveway lately, she will sit for an hour just looking at each one, putting it in her little wagon, and then going on to find another perfect one. 

We had a gift certificate to a local brewery so we went to dinner.  Ingrid was a model child, coloring quietly at the table and eating her veggie soup.  Brendan and I got to have a conversation and it was just so pleasant and I realized how awful the past few weeks have felt. 

Another thing that helps in the calm is putting Ingrid back in diapers part time.  For two weeks she boycotted the toilet so I was changing her clothes and mopping up pee at least five times a day.  Not fun.  And the horrible thing is even though I KNOW you're not supposed to yell or make a big deal of it, after the third or fourth time a day, after days of this happening, I would yell.  Why didn't you tell me?  Why won't you go on the potty?  And then I heard myself and stopped and read up online about setbacks and how common they are and how you just have to let them have their time and they'll get around to it.  So back in diapers she went, but she now will tell me when she has to go.  And I haven't had to worry about pee on the couch or rug for two days!  I see a major change in her attitude already, so here's hoping she'll get back on the potty train soon.

An Update

Things are going well around here.  Ingrid and I have gotten back into a nice rhythm again, having fun together and getting along instead of me yelling and her throwing tantrums.  They're still there, but much much less than in the past couple months!  Our days are so nice and mellow, I honestly feel so lucky to have this be my life.  We get up and eat a little here and there all morning, lounge in our pjs and color, play with play dough, play with her Fisher Price guys.  We get dressed and go to the park or to the store, we go to the library, we play some more. 

Naps are a thing of the past, I don't even try to have her rest anymore.  She just wouldn't do it, and instead of fighting her and getting pissed off every afternoon, I just put her in the rocking chair with her blanket and let her watch TV while I pass out on the couch.  And I refuse to feel guilty about it.  There is a part of me that wishes we were a family with no TV, or even watching less, but we are not that family.  We all like to just sit and veg sometimes.  And sometimes we don't.  We all like to read and learn things, too, so I'm not going to feel bad about the time we do spend watching TV.

I had my 16 week midwife appointment and am loving the office I go to.  We've met with three different midwives so far and I like each one.  The visits are so short and they are so not worried about anything that it puts me at ease.  I don't have to give a urine sample at each visit like I did at my last doctor, and they never ever question me if I decide against a test.  I hate when I have made a decision not to do something and the doctor questions me why.  Just coz, 'kay??  It's really nice to just go in and listen to a heartbeat and have them measure my uterus.  Even after the bleeding scare at 11 weeks they aren't too concerned, which is nice.  I don't want to be made to feel like I have to put my life on hold because I'm pregnant, or like I have to worry about every little thing.  It's awesome because I remember the doctor last time always saying be sure to stay away from XYZ, it's bad for you while you're pregnant.  Making me feel like if I ate a tunafish sandwich I'd be harming my baby beyond belief.  This time around it's "don't eat a pound of salami in one sitting and you should be okay."

We have our next ultrasound in two weeks, at which we hope to find out the gender.  We did with Ingrid and I loved it.  She was Ingrid within a week of finding out it was a girl.  When she was born we welcomed her into our lives but we already knew her, does that make sense?  We have a boy name picked out--Otis, after my greatgrandpa (really we just liked the name and then my mom told me it was my GG's and I thought oh, cool!)  But just like last time we have NO girl names!!  Any suggestions?  I'm not fretting too much now, as we may not even need one (something is making me think this is a boy.)  But any suggestions to go with Ingrid would be appreciated!

So there's that.  Life is good and simple and lovely around these parts.  As it should be.

Random Good Mom Award

I had the best thing happen yesterday.  It was a lazy rainy day but Ingrid wanted to splash puddles, so we got dressed and headed outside.  I had just put some garbage in the dumpster when a car pulled up alongside us and rolled down the window.  I leaned over and it was someone I didn't recognize, a young guy, but he said "I had to stop and tell you, you are a GREAT mother!"  Apparently he's seen us walking the dog and using the sling, and just having random outside fun when we do.  He kept saying how great of a mother I was, it was the sweetest thing!  It just made my day.

In other news, I don't feel like a good mom, as I've been still really weak from being sick and I have done nothing but lie around and take naps.  Brendan took Ingrid to do fun things yesterday, like swim in the indoor pool and go get ice cream.  I have sat in bed or on the couch and read.  I really really hope I start feeling better soon, this is getting annoying!

Play Blocks, Mama? Play Kitchen, Mama? Color, Mama?

That is ALL I've been hearing lately.  Yesterday it was a nonstop barrage of begging me to play with her, but when we'd settle down to one thing, she'd just jump to the next.  It was rather tiring, and by the afternoon I was over it.  I just wanted to sit in one place and zone out--is that bad?  I ended up getting a bit yelly and she cried and whined for the last hour before Brendan got home.  Bed time could not come soon enough...

But after dinner we all sat down to play blocks together and the look of joy on her face was priceless.  Both Brendan and I would build some ridiculous tower and then she'd get to knock it down.  Ingrid was so excited and would clap and smile.  Then she'd try to build a tower and amaze us by balancing some huge block on a tiny one.  Usually we rush her to the bath and bed right after dinner because A) she's tired, and B)we're ready for alone time.  But last night we just played with blocks and had fun together.  It was so nice.

Today I'm going to try to focus on Ingrid more, really get to her level and play with her instead of just having her near me while I try to vacuum or sweep or do laundry or something.  She's pretty good about playing by herself, but her begging and begging for me to play with her yesterday just showed me that she was needing more one on one time.  Instead of getting irritated, I have to give her what she needs, even if that means playing kitchen twenty different times during the day...I'm going to try to see the positive of her play instead of thinking it's so boring and all the other things I'd rather be doing.  Because, man, just look at this face!  How can you say no???